i am so stupid ..........

keep worry bout her why never online and never reply it is happen any thing d....... hai ................ but the true is people already when singapore with friend and drink drunk happy there .
feel much better d.......... at least i know i am really stupid and wasting time only give up

i cant stop my self thinking of her..................

just now i look at her facebook photo , in there i see her wearing spectacle . do look different , i must admit that she do grow up d........... and i also have to grow up as well . i always want her become the 1 that i know , thinking back i feel my self is so silly and childish .

i do feel , not use to it without her sms and voice around me, but i think she without me will feel much lighter and freedom . i feel sorry to her , because the relationship will become like now i also have to take half of the responsibly . i never really put my self into her shoe , after so many year only i know she not so happy to the current family only. after she told me some thing keep happen on her family my heart do feel very pain ,but that moment i also feel my self so useless why do i tolerant her and listen the word come from her heart and give a tight hug .

but i cant , i always not around her the 1 she can find to share out the feeling is those classmate . and they theory is Let's go club after drink some alcoholic drink or get drunk will feel much better .!!!!!! it is , feel much better ? after drunk ? vomit ,headache even hang over till dont remember any thing bout last night really can solve the problem mem ?

what i can do is call her , try to cheer her up . but most of the time i fail to do so because most the time she will using her tear to end the conversation. i feel much better after taiping out all this .

miss her but scare hurt her again and again vice versa not crying d, but soon will have to end this before the tear flow out .

am i very cruel ?....................

i hope so, than my tear wont drop any more.

now day, really every thing i also will link to her ,
from elantra car till my living room sofa ,
all also can link ,
the most gao li 1......,
is my mother , keep on asking how are she r ,
she this she that ,
that moment my tear almost fall again,
luck i walk away d, if not another rain fall will come .

a week later , i also dont what will really happen .

pray day1

i still crying !_! .................... i just make a deal with god , i ask it is god want me to learn some thing in this ?
than i make the most pain prayer , i say if god think she is my ms right please do keep her niver and build up her nicely and return to me un the future , but if she not my ms right please god take away and please do cure my heart and stop my tear and bleeding ...............................

i dont what to do any more , just waiting for god answer i belief father will make the best choice for me .............................

within this week i will keep praying till i get the answer , this time i want my every single drop of tear is meaningful ............ i cant share to to any body d........... i scare i become crazy , that why i write down all in my mind here good for me to read back next time with other point of looking !

f o r g e t me ....................?????

this week i try to pray hardly, i dont want keep on happen the same thing d.........
i know when the first time she ask for break , she do mean that d.........just my self cant accept it only.

now dont care how many tear i drop no 1 will border any more , first her parent not really like me than we date have to date till like underground relationship . i feel sad , currently i know if i just together with her back not 1 week later sure will break again , because i know some thing is when wrong d........ i dont what that .?? she change d or what i dont know???

but now i try my best to release my hand , let god be the final decider for me d................ i dont want keep thinking of her and cant do any thing , it will just make her feel sad and hate me more and more only ........................

now day , i feel that my tear is so cheap . till i listen to some the song that she love my tear will start fulfill or can say almost every thing i also can link to her , because till how also 4 yr relationship even though is never meet 365days per yr but when study time we do really meet most the time always pass the sweet time together .

but after she when to study d, all thing change ........... i know every should grow up and go forward as well i cant still want her become the bebe i know . now i dont really belief any body d........ all the promise for me is meaningless because most of the promise is cant become true 1...........

cry and cry and still cry ............. ya do make me feel much better d................ please god !!!! carry my hand go though this together with me . i want the blessing like my brother in the end .they do married in the name of GOD .i dont want because i fell bored than do "wrong thing " that type of married !!!!!!!!! na............. i dont care d la................ i just pray only la.........
i want answer 1 ah.................... thank you god

sad .......................................

6 month d, is enough d.......... i get scold from sister d...................... she say have to end it d............. dont waste the time any more ......................... after today tear i dont want sad tear any more

happy ??? not really !!!!!!!

what type of name is that ??? fucking power

it is feel better to chat during drunk ???

i hope it is a real gun can , just shot me down !!!!!

so fast the cup empty d....... but still feel not thing waste my money only...

i dont really understand , go to club really can gain happiness ? i dont give a fuck to this theory.

all busted already half drunk of act drunk , start doing some thing silly but still ??? those place is always full . really so nice mem???? may be i haven get the best part yet ...........

really feel sad for those people have to paid for their happiness !! come on la.......
drunk wont settle thing , and it may also create more problem

??confuse

i am over worry d.........

i dont want to waste my time d............ i feel tired d........ hai feel very bored ............... keep doing the thing that just make other poeple feel unhappy only i dont want do any more thing d,..........


hai................... tired ................... i dont 1 because of her mood down any more

just finish flight test.........................

hahahahaha yipee yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, finally i get my ppl la.................. i got gold bar d.

but now my skin colour , almost like Indian d............... because fly every day and today get sun burn . lucky is i pass the test and my house go a mask that last time my dear brought for me now i put it on i really can feel the cool feeling so nice ............... but the hand still feel pain because really sun burn d.............

how good if now i having a air conditional at my room , tired than just close my eye and sleep . now at least i finish another duty d........... i try me best to pass my test another step forward to my graduation d..............

now left the relationship problem only , cant forget bout her . her image and memory always pops out in my mind ................. dont care is happy or sad 1..... it always there the memory i think wont erase like that only hoping ??????? better not d.......... i scare d................ better just wait for the time to cure me............. i really dont dare to say together back i very very scare get the "scary answer" .

feel happy sad worry and the skin damn pain

feel complicated to my self...........................

i know my self , but i dont her any more d........ what i hoping is just like i always say just a dream that hardly come true ....................... hai.......... hard 1 la........... distance and now start dont belief each other d..... how can the relationship to be carry on if she dont trust my any more ??

now also like that d, if i work worst thing will happen la........ fly over sea only i have to report my self where la what i doing la........... confident a bit la............. when i do some thing stupid that ?? what i did that hurt you and make you feel so uncomfortable la.....................

for me i get emotional easily , and for her i think she really think i will call her parent and tell some thing stupid , come on la........ she really think i will make the call !!!! so silly , i say that is just make her wake !! especially when she in high and drunk ........... that is i dont like to hear the voice like that , after i say i call only she will wake up and alert on the spot lo........


feel sad when facing her have to act happy .................... become clown like that always have a smilling face but the tear is always inside the mask

finish flying........................

today the whole day , i keep looking at the phone see got message come anot finally non message come . i feel much better d......... :( clean up my mind......... i know no chance d........... just stay focus on my exam d........... friend ? non make sense for me ! feel hard feeling only ............. now plan to just care her inside my heart only ............................ i wont do any thing d.........
i call her only for sure she will cry , better i just silent my self .

i dont want her because of me this silly small gas guy unhappy any more , i rather take all the pain by my own d..........

i cant belief that my car , proton can go that fast . surprise me that just now i can cruise at 160km/hr . i think the car can go faster than that but i feel scare when i notice i already pass 150km/hr lucky non thing happen to me , and along the way i cross 3 red light because stupid light without sense i dont feel like waiting d....... just press the oil speed up, during that when i over take 1 car by maintaining 150km/hr than i saw a police petrol car beside me. at that moment i feel shit d...... sure will come after me d....... but my mood down till dont care d... i just press harder and increase the speed to 160 i think the police also lazy to chase me d la..... because late d... 3am d ma..........


after that i feel tired and much better d..........
dont try this on the road is danger

love is just like fire.............................

why i say so?

because is true ! love really like fire ,

a good love can support you , like a fire that can keep you warm,

but ,

a bad love can kill you , just like a wild fire and burn and destroy every thing ,

in the world no love is prefect , just like fire you cant really change the shape of it ,

sweet,

love can be sweet , it also can be like fire if you not careful will may get hurt,

combination,

love =sacrifice + care , fire = air + fuel without the air fire wont appear

no scrifice there is no love inside

since what i do is meaning lesss...................

i choose to release d, even thought feel hard and sad . but i think if i being like a trouble maker keep creating trouble i think she will feel more sad only.

and if i keep dragging her is no point also , my love and care wont follow the Tran 1....... that is not such thing that call whole sale love......... till i can feel i am so fucking cheap till almost can tolerate every thing d.......

just feel that she leaving like that , actually good for me d, because at least she try to make some stupid excuse to cover the true . any thing la ? just feel sad and mood down . i hope after my flight test i will feel much better and i think i will start take out all the picture that on my wall it just make me feel sad and uncomfortable d....... the function of the photo change d...... last time when study dont care how stress i am when thinking of my family and her and the future life i walk thought all the hard part d....... but now :( the photo do bring me some happy but less and less d...... because all the photo that take is last last time 1.......

all the latest photo all can even wash out 1....... sensitive an i dont even will post it out . but last Saturdays i do feel enjoy when together wit her . but every time is like that after feeding me the sweet sugar the hardness and bitter drug will come and when it come my whole body is effected till cant really run my normal life . now day i try to act i am fine , but i know i not !! because still bleeding inside hope the time wash out my blood and cure my wound soon . and stop hoping can hug her tightly feel the body warm any more d.....



cry wont help me this time , so choose to go speeding now......................

i dont know what to say d.............

i try everything solve or find out , but in the end i feel not thing changer . maybe i need a long vacation for me to cry up all my this year tear . because i dont want next year same like this year .



i really dont know why we break? because i call the friend ?

hai.......... current complicated situation just make me suffer suffer and suffer because i dont what t call her any more ? just now see the picture i take with her at my house and that is the last time i meet her my father birthday .



after kiss good bye the day after we break ~!!!!! i dont what is happening , why i cant even feel some thing when wrong during that .



may be i just busy with doing other thing and left out the signal d.......... break without notice any thing just like hit by the sunami wave is so scary for me!! i face it on july now dec

i dont what crying now as long comfortable and no harm is ok for me to cry rather than speeding on the road or air d.......

the thinking during flying..........

just now when i fly , i start the engine after buzy with the check . i moody till forget to on the fuel selected then for sure the engine shut down on the spot . i cant imaging that if during take off this type of thing happen i think today will be the last flight d la.......... because for sure will crash on the runway d............. still i have to continue the training i relight te engine and request taxy yo holding point B . than during that the tower hold me at the holding point due to 3 airliner coming to land. ok i also hold at there may be not thing to do, i start thinking of her . i feel very sorry to her , actually yesterday i call her is to let her know that even how also you can always call and come back to me i will be your support but in the end i screw it up. i hate y self , i always say dont want to care her any more but i cant really do it i dont know why i just cant release her .after thinking that my tear almost fall down d....... because i feel so stress the exam is on wednesday. for me i really cant help her much d... who am i ? what can i do ? what can i do can make the family better ?

last time i always scold her , when she go clubbing if not scold i also will feel unhappy ! because i know that place all is fake no real love or what people go there may be lonely and wish some 1 company her for a night after " exercise" can dont even remember each other any more . but i feel very sorry that , i never put my self on her shoes........ i never get her pain and stress too...... now , only i know why love shopping so much , first is can company the mother as well 2 is can spent more the father money and try to get the attention of the father . sad case , i not beside her all the time what she having now i dont say is bad friend , just they thinking and moral value is different because she got 1 friend already stay together with the boyfriend as well . dont be silly to think that they never having sex during this period of time la..........may be for normal people is ok what they are couple what stay together , sure can having sex la.... what wrong with you ? so out 1 ah....... but just my thinking is if my daughter staying with other guy just like that . i dont know what reaction i will have d....

i afraid that she will become bad and la la mui......... what also never mind , clubbing every night drunk and try to get happiness from that type of place . worst come to worst i night stand also never mind =_= as long feel happy than enough d........ even just a day of happy . i dont want an angel become the dark angel. my heart is pain an worry , i always pray and cry i please god dont dont dont make her become that . i know when she starting the clubbing life her life is gone d......... because it just like linking issue . first for sure she will start lie to parent ,2 may start smoking ,3 drunk , 4 the 1 i most worry having sex during drunk than the guy didn't wear condom and she get pregnant and then the guy ignore her and leave it alone . i dont dare to think any more . i crying d............... !_! i dont want to see her become like that . is really sad that , go clubbing to find happiness ad replace the love that left out.


i feel sad , when she crying to protect her mother . i know the family sure got some history behing it . but i dont know what is that just feel that why they doing this to her ? to her family ? i feel hopeless and helpless that time . because she tell me they are christian ???? what that is so so so wrong ???????? why they want to do this ?? why i reallycan feel the pain as well , so that why my tear flowing out . i not dare to tell her i do really care bout her ,even thought i always scold her this and that............ i feel sad to scold her ....... after scold her my self cant sleep .......... but i really never put my self to her shoe that why i will get angry so fast , but now i know abit abit bout her d... i feel last time i really too over d.... she is sad d..... i not giving support but scloding some more . i know scolding is meaning less d...... now just pray god do some thing to the family .


i am so shame being with her 4 year d, now only i feel and know her family problem ya..... may be people will say non of your business what >?? but for me i will do and try every single energy to protect the 1 i love . worst come to worst i dont care d........ i dont care the parent issue d..... i just want her and my family wont happen this type of thing because i know the feeling very well . i am her can say except sex different most of the thing that go thought is same just some i dont know only . her family just like mine last time family. not suitable to talk here . every 1 have they problem and they also must have some 1 to share out . dont care la....... he can help or not at least you will feel much better Rather than cry and screaming to the sea......



thank god again for bring and giving me 1 more chance a life . because my aircraft never after take off only shut down . if that happen good luck for me la................

good morning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

early morning , the mood start swinging i really dont know think i have the power that can make some one cry ? because for me i rely dont know what she thinking ???? ask for break is her choice always regret after making the decision !! i am tired for those d, got problem than ask for break dont even want or try to work it out together . i know when she do some thing silly i do become very fierce , i will really scold and tell my feeling . i think if continue also wont have any good ending d.... why not i just forget bout her d..........


why i just cant do that , press a button and delete all her memory that inside my brain . the turn around is so big till i cant imaging and the excuse that given is not make sense , i still thinking that which friend i call to and make her so angry ?? but i dont even have her friend number , i feel hurt when she suspect me say that i checking her phone detail !!!!!! howcan sh do this to me ? u say u care and love me but u another second you suspect me and dont trust me any more ?? what that ?? i dont get it ??. where is the love and care that always mention ??? where any 1 can tell how to love ??

non stop thinking .........

2pm , i write this during my flight briefing . so fast 4pm d..... during briefing i ant even concentrate on it. my mind i know is already far far away from my body as well.

but Monday having flight test, for now my current mood and performance i think is really danger and hard for me to focus on the test d...... the tear level is keep fulfilling . it sound like will flow it out any time . but i cant , because in the class the feeling is really hard to express !!! is really sad and lost till no a suitable word can describe .

i been moody for the whole day, speak less and moody till my friend also ask me any thing happen ? i know is abnormal if i am speak less . i really dont why for what reason i still keeping her on my mind ? i really dont know what she is thinking ? for me she should feel happy what because break as her wish d..... but she is another way round she feel unhappy and crying !!!!!!! what she want ? can she call me and tell me that she love with other guy and very sorry for me i think i will fell much better after hearing that !!! at least that time i can really just focus angry her and dont think and hope the relationship will be better d.... at last i know not my problem and my fault .


i just dont know how can she do this to me ? always tell other miss and love me!!!!!!!!! but another way round will ask break and separate with me??? and keep doing the thing i dont like and keep hurting me........................................................ i dont like mean i dont like dont try to quarrel and change me . i dont like clubbing mean dont like , i not dont like is i hate clubbing i hate those bring her in also i wont even talk to them any more . because for me she is so silly and can say stupid easily belief on other people. she think drunk will feel better like the drama . dont be stupid la all is drama in the real life day after the fuxx thing stil at there waiting for you .



i will say that , is because she tell me she try to run away from the house before ? for me is what the hell are you thinking??? you think u can survive ? and that time she say she feel want to die , seriously angry and pis off to the max when i hear that my heart is so pain and worry . if i beside her may be i will really give her a big slap or throw her into the pool to make her cool down than only i will hug and talk .

i always dont like she ding this and that got my reason , my cousin is 16age only become mother d..... because she run away with some guys . giving free sex to survive now till dont who is the father of the baby and also dont dare to go to hospital . what wrong with this world d????????
i dont feel shame to share , at least i hope those reads this please do protect your self as well if having sex please do wearing condom the baby is innocent.

what she want ?????????

she want break but , still say love me ? i dont get her lo. sad to having this type of gf dont want she want always use word hurting me without notice.

she say love me ?but she will never show it to me ? how much she love and care !? i really want o leave her alone ? sh really want i do that to her ? i dont care and border her any more i think she will feel more freedom because some time my care and worry is over and she dont really accept it !! that why the quarrel happen .................

i still dont why , what really happen ? if i really call her friend it is wrong ? because the way she asking me is piss me off !!!! she say i overlook and check her phone detail ? what the hell for what reason i do that ? if want break just say break la....... til now i dont even receive my birthday present after a month ago.................................................. that the way she always say love and fair to me....................

she say i can hate her slap her , ya i hope i can say the same silly thing to her . i hope i can really do it . i dont know that if you love some 1 you willing to use word to hurting her ? you willing to release it ?leave it alone ?

if i really angry d..... i think i wont even even talk or meet her d............

waste..............i am not doll...........................

i feel i am so stupid , always hope changer ! i always cry and beg for not thing only . i skip meal collect money just to buy the nintendo ds than dy after she ask for break d.......................

that moment my heart was bleeding , till i cant even stop the blood flowing d.......................... i told i can playing the some game together with her like other couple. btshe choose to play alone without me !_! i feel upset .

she evert time call me to belief her , belief her . how i going to belief her d..................... she is doing non thing just shopping and drinking with friend ................... i dont see any thing she trying to changefor me, hoing just make me crazy ................

by the time go back kuantan , i have to paid back my mother the money d.......... this dec i had spent alot of money d.......... but i feel up set for that . i even think what to buy for "j...mummy and daddy d...." but now break again like last time .

i dont what is going on at all.......................... i really cry till i hate my self d............. being so cheap till always offer my self to overcome her...... for what people wont appeciate d.... la........
stop crying la......... wei stop crying a.............. what the fuck now the tear is droping drop by drop again ........................

what is going on la................ why this have to keep on happen to me >?? i just a ordinary boy lo...... it is not good feeling at all to love the 1 that not loving you any more ......
she will never understand me.........


i pity for her mother case , but why she must mix her mother case together with me ?? is not fair at all ........ fuck la...... tear keep fulfilling dont want to say d la.................

discover the deeeper part ..........................

tonight i finally discover the deeper part d ......... i hope our relationship will be better day by day .......

i will never never forget tonight , my father birthday and i discover her heart as well................ tonight finally i feel i am her boyfriend as well. she is so sweet to me , i can feel and get her body temperature is so warm ........ but after this i will think when is the next time can meet up again le? i know sure wont be that soon d........

just like usual , my life like roller coaster keep on up down up down !!!!!!!!!! i really love her , till i every thing i also can connect her to the topic. just a normal conversation with my friend suddenly i will talk bout her d....... i know my self and status , we are come from a very different family background . but now i dont border any more d, if i keep thinking the status and class between me and her it will just extent my pain and unhappiness only .

i really cant see the future of us, because is really a gap between me and her . i know it will never end 1..... because you grow up at that environment and use to it d...... that mean future the same you will expect happen and just the same like now.

now already 330am d eye want close d.......... good night

friend ???

i think is a good time to let me see cleanly who is my friend , and who is not . for those fucker ......... when i here than will say why never meet out , by thetime i call no 1 out , but other people call all present. wht the fuck la...............


piss off to the max ........... dont feel want to talk to them any more ..........................................

raining day.....................................

raining day again, it just make me feel moody and tired. for last night is really regret the max......... feel damn left out . even at my home , i feel damn sick to this home d....... when i come back i dont even have my own private room any more . the feeling is really bad .
told last night will be a happy and enjoying night but in the end still the same ending........ quarrel to end the conversation..................

now day even a very small thing can make me feel very uncomfortable, i have the strong feeling that the third will come d.......... i dont know when but i just feel it, because the way she treating me is totally different d........ i feel left out i feel sad always have this type of thing happen to me........

drunk !!!!!!! i really hope yesterday i can get drunk till cant even open my eye totally hang over , because that i think i will feel better at least no quarrel. i just dont what she is thinking , the mouth say this but doing is always the opposite way 1 .............. say can company till any time , but when some of them going back she also say so, dont tell bullshit la....... dont want go back will wearing shoes d.... than reach junction only say i really can company you 1 , just u dont want and now almost reach my house d......... this and that............. ya her time is more expensive 1 ma....... more higher class 1 compare to mine . i can wait her from 6 to 10 but she cant even give me a happy 2hours . in the end must screw it out..........................


i dont think today she dare to contact me any more, for her always got her own theory. every thing she did is right i do always is wrong . she say working fair enough , but just dont always fulfill the empty hope for me it will make me hate rather than love d................. crying and begging my forgiveness all time what not dont do some thing that up set me ???? after all the tear flowing , the next moment the same thing can happen again !!!


feel stress having this type of relationship , full of untruest and not confident plus tons of unhappiness just hope she can end my heart hardly till i dont even want to talk to her any more i think is better than like now killing me softly.............................


tear fulfiling heart breaking and moody

i really angry and sad ..............................

today i purposely come back kuantan , just to meet her than she give me shit again .
at first say will go out with me , the whole night is me than , 10 o clock only can go out , i wait her from 8 to 10pm . than i dont want go clubbing , i go buy all the alcoholic drink party at my house.
now i have to keep all thing my self . fucking regret doing that . the most unhappy thing is she dont even appreciate it and dont even take photo with me . i dont what she thinking is want separate just separate d......... i enough for that d.............

after the party over every 1 going home , than she also say want go home .
ok fair enought out with friend can out till 2 3 am but me 1 am also not yet than keep say want to go back d......... still hope can have some sweet time with her hugging and talk some sweet talk but ............ fuck it la........ she so buzy ok la....... i dont hope any more la ............ is enough for me la............


take photo with other can so happy but with me only , not even want to take what the fuck ......... if i really want to take her photo so what it is my fault to take my girlfriend photo ???? ya maybe not my girlfriend la............

really dont who am i now.............. just feel up set after doing all the thing , than get that type of reaction i dont what to say ......... just feel say sunday morning have to go to kl d..........
no mood d0............. always say fair to me fucking bullshit only ............
every time just hurt and hurt me only .............................

suck i feel i am suck doing all type of thing hope she happy but screw it up in the end also